Disasters in the Black Order
by brightmelodies
Summary: Chpt. 1: the result of KOMUFEE! Komui once designed a better, newer, more awesome coffee, but it was hidden away after the test subjects became mentally mutilated... what happens when KOMUFEE is drunk by its creator?


"Eh, Komui-san, did you call?"

"Oh, A-Allen-kun!" Komui squeaked, jumping in surprise. He hastily covered up the doodles on his desk with some important-looking papers and brought a hand to his mouth, clearing his throat, attempting to look important. "Ah, yes, um... I had something for you..."

The desk exploded in a hurricane of papers as the curly-haired (crazy) supervisor searched for the envelope addressed to Allen. Allen stared nervously and edged away to avoid being hit by the flying papers. A little while after the explosion, the papers settled, piling up on the other dusty papers already on the floor.

"Eehhh," Komui muttered, peering at the tattered envelope through his glasses that sat tilted on his nose. "Nope," he muttered, throwing it over his shoulder, mouth puckered up in discontent. "Not it."

Once again, a storm of papers enveloped the desk and the supervisor.

"K-Komui-san, you really should be more organized..." Allen sighed. "Uwah~!"

He ducked as a cup of coffee came flying at his head. It smashed against the couch behind him, staining it brown. "K-Komui-san!"

"Ah, found it~!" Komui sang, taking no notice of the shocked exorcist.

Several papers landed silently on his head and his glasses sat on the very tip of his nose, on the verge of falling and disappearing into the depths of the fallen papers. He tossed the envelope to Allen who let out a cry and fumbled to catch it.

"There you go, Allen~! Now, where's my coffee...?"

As Komui brushed papers off his desk in his search for his missing coffee, Allen turned the envelope around in his hands. It was addressed:

_To: Idiot disciple_

_From: Cross Marian _

_Ehh... f-from master?! B-but he's... _Allen gulped as he remembered the night when he had followed Timcanpi over to the room where his master had been murdered. He shook his head. He slit the envelope open, took the letter out, and started to unfold it.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Komui screamed, making Allen jump in surprise. "NO COOFFFEEEEE?! NOOOOO!"

The coffee-deprived supervisor jumped up and screamed, "UNACCEPTABLE!" He ran from the room shrieking, "LENALEEEEE!"

Allen gaped at the swinging door with wide eyes and started to sweat. He breathed out and unfolded the letter. He began reading, ignoring the crashes that came from above.

The curly haired supervisor came back a bit later, humming happily with a cup of fresh, steaming coffee in one hand, made by his beloved sister, Lenalee, and a gallon jug in the other. He also sported several lumps on his head.

"Ah, Allen-kun, you're still here?" Komui sang happily, gulping down insane amounts of coffee.

He lifted the gallon jug filled with coffee that Lenalee had shoved into his hands to, 'keep you from disturbing everyone,' on his desk. He refilled his empty cup and sat down in his chair, cradling the coffee.

"Would you like some chocolate, Allen-kun?" Komui asked, throwing one over to Allen.

Allen caught it and nodded, keeping his eyes on the letter.

Komui took some random papers, doodling on them, sipping his coffee every now and then. He had completely forgotten Allen was present and was completely engrossed in designing a new and improved Komurin number... he couldn't remember at the moment. He scribbled faster and more insanely, powered on by the power of coffee!

The current Komurin (Komurin-ex) cried as he stood by his master's side, watching him plan out a new and better robot that would inevitably replace him.

Meanwhile, Allen's eyes had been doubtfully scanning his master's letter, which was filled with nonsense and things like, "Allen, you should get a woman," and "Allen, grow up and become a man like me!" He remembered the chocolate in his hand and popped it in his mouth, continuing to read. His eyes stopped as he came to a sentence and he gasped, clutching his heart.

"Gyaah!" Komui screamed, covering up his designs with papers. His hand slipped and spilled the coffee all over his work. Goodbye, work. "R-Reever, I-I'm doing my work...?"

Komui looked up, expecting to see an angry Reever, who had previously yelled at Komui for slacking off, goofing off, disturbing everyone, and not doing any work, but instead saw Allen collapsing on the floor.

"Eh... Allen-kun...?" Komui squeaked timidly.

He tip-toed over to where Allen was twitching on the floor and crouched down beside him.

"Aaallen-kun?"

Komui spotted the paper clutched in Allen's hand. He wrestled it out and stretched it out in his hands.

"GEH?!"

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw what Allen had seen. A debt of -censored- euros?!

But, that was not the problem. Komui turned to Allen and prodded him in the side. "Aaallen..."

He put his head on the ground beside Allen's and looked at his face. Uh-oh. It was blue. Was that a good thing?

No, Komui supposed not.

_Bam bam bam!_

"Heeeey! Komui-san!" called a voice.

_Oh, crap!! _Komui screamed in his head. He started sweating. _Uh... what to do, what to do, what to do?!_

"Heeeey! Komui-san, I got a question to ask you! I'm coming in!"

"W-wait!" Komui yelled, dragging Allen over to his desk. He started stuffing the poor boy under it, but not in time.

In the middle of operation stuff 'dead' Allen under desk, Lavi burst in through the door, catching Komui red handed. He gaped, his jaw hitting the floor. Komui froze, mouth open and sweating like crazy.

"I-uh you- er... I TOLD YOU TO WAIT!" Komui panicked.

"Guaaah! Allen! Moyashi!" Lavi yelled, slapping his hands to his face. He ran over to Allen and poked him violently. "Hey!"

Komui stood up silently, the top of his face shadowed. He took his cup of coffee, drank the remaining liquid, and beckoned to Komurin-ex.

"Y-you curly-haired supervisor! What did you do?!" Lavi yelled, shaking Allen. "Oi! Moyashi!"

A letter fluttered down onto Allen's chest. A large number caught Lavi's eye and he stopped to read the whole line. His jaw hit the floor once more. Debt of -censored- euros?!

"N-no way?!"

"What did _I _do?" Komui said sinisterly.

He started laughing, arms crossed over his chest. An impending aura of doom was heavy in the air. "What did _I _do?!"

Lavi turned slowly to face the insane supervisor. Sweat started pouring down his face as he saw the evil grin that filled the supervisor's face.

"U-uh, Komui-san?" Lavi stuttered, bunny ears appearing on his head.

"NOW I HAVE TO ERASE ALL EVIDENCE, OR REEVER WILL KILL ME! Komurin-ex!" Komui shrieked, flinging an arm at the robot.

"yes, sir!"

"Destroy him!" Komui laughed, pointing at the spluttering, bunny-eared Lavi.

"Y-you know, you're making it seem like you're the one who killed Allen!" Lavi screamed, attempting to escape from Komurin-ex's death grip.

"MUAHAHAHA! I HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE!" Komui screamed crazily, pointing at the empty gallon jug.

_Oh my god... Komui's gonna kill everyone! _was the last thing Lavi thought.

"Nii-san! Nii-san, is everything okay?" Lenalee's voice floated through the open door. "Nii-san!" Footsteps were heard.

Komui gasped. What would Lenalee say?!

"Komurin-ex, hide them!" Komui said frantically.

"Y-yes, sir! Where?" Komurin said, sweating oil.

"I-I don't know!" Komui shrilled, shutting the door and sprinting back his desk.

"Nii-san!"

The door swung open.

Lenalee stuck her head through the doorway, checking to see if everything was okay. Komui was stamping papers vehemently, throwing them on the floor when he'd finished. His hat covered his eyes, and his mouth was in a perfect upside-down 'U.'

"Nii-san, is everything okay?" Lenalee asked anxiously. Her eyes turned to the robot that stood by her brother.

"Y-Yes, Lenalee-chan! Everything's A-Okay!" Komui grinned nervously, giving his sister a thumbs-up.

"You sure?" Lenalee said. Was there something odd about Komurin?

"Y-yes!"

"Okay, then... call me if you need anything, okay nii-san?"

"O-okay, Lenalee-chan!"

Komui stared at the door until it shut and waited for a few minutes in silence. Then...

"I-I'm a DEMON!" he sobbed. "I-I lied to my sweet Lenalee! Oh, oh, what have I become..."

Komurin-ex bent over and spat out the bodies of two exorcists. "Master, where should I put them?"

Komui was sobbing loudly into his hands about what an evil brother he was, to lie to his sweet Lenalee.

_Knock knock knock_

His sobs stopped abrubtly and he quickly blew his nose. Komurin swallowed Lavi and Allen again, turning black from the oil.

"Nii-san, I brought you some more coffee," Lenalee said, opening the door. "It's the last bit, so drink up!"

"T-thank you, Lenalee-chan," Komui said, avoiding eye contact. His mouth wobbled.

Lenalee left. Komui cried. Komurin threw the exorcists up again.

"Che!"

The door slammed open. Komui and Komurin froze and slowly looked at the figure at the doorway.

"What the fucking hell is going on in here?!" Kanda yelled, drawing Mugen.

His eyes went to the unconscious Lavi and Allen, to the oily Komurin-ex, and finally to the shadowed face of the curly haired supervisor who was now calmly drinking his coffee.

"Why, hello Kanda-kun," Komui said serenely, finishing his coffee. He really needed to use the bathroom. If he left the room with Kanda in it, what would happen, he wondered. "What brings you here, on this fine, fine day?"

Veins popped up all over Kanda's face.

"You were making too much noise, so I came down to make you shut up, and then I find _this," _Kanda pointed Mugen at Lavi and Allen, "I should..."

"You should what?" Komui said.

"I should congratulate you for killing the stupid rabbit and the bean sprout. But, you are way too noisy anyways, so I'll kill you," Kanda smirked and held up Mugen.

Meanwhile, Komurin-ex had snuck up behind Kanda. He took him by surprise and quickly knocked him out.

"_Ex_cellent, Komurin-ex," Komui chuckled. "Now, stuff them in the darkest chamber in the deepest, darkest, creepiest, dirtiest, nastiest place you can find. Oh, and make sure no one sees you."

Komui burst out into malicious laughter.

"MUAHAHAHA! That coffee is truly excellent! I feel particularly... destructive today... And now I have to go to the bathroom. Toodles!" Komui danced out of the room.

* * *

"Lenalee, is there any coffee?" Johnny gasped, resting his head on the stack of papers he was filling out.

"I'm sorry Johnny, I just gave the last of it to nii-san," Lenalee apologized.

"Speaking of the curly haired supervisor, I feel kind of bad for yelling at him today," Reever said, looking at Lenalee with eyes that had humongous bags under them. "And did you say, last?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Lenalee apologized again.

"I thought we ran out yesterday..." Reever sighed, dropping his stack of papers beside Johnny.

Sixty-Five floated past them, looking pale and thin saying, "We did, we did..."

"Oh, well," Lenalee explained, "I found some in the storage room this morning."

"You WHAT?!" Reever, Johnny, and Sixty-Five exclaimed.

"Um..." Lenalee handed them the package she'd gotten the coffee from.

"T-This is..." they gasped, staring at the label. "Y-You didn't... give this... to anyone... Right?"

"Actually," Lenalee said, frowning. "I gave a gallon or so to Nii-san to make him calm down."

"A-a _gallon?!" _Johnny shrieked.

"T-this is really bad!" Reever cried.

"W-what?" Lenalee said, confused.

"Come closer," Johnny beckoned, "And let me tell you the story behind that..."

The lights suddenly flickered off and a lantern glowed beneath Johnny's face, for maximum scary effects. The science department gathered around to listen to the story.

"Aah, if only Tapp were here," Johnny sighed.

The rest of the department sighed sadly as well. Reever blew his nose and mopped his eyes.

"Anyways, the story of the 'coffee,'" Johnny said.

"So, one day, we ran out of coffee, right?" Johnny looked around, the light bouncing off of his round glasses.

Some of the members nodded, saying darkly, "I remember that day..."

"This was when you were on a mission. Anyways, Supervisor went crazy and he took the last inch of coffee in his own cup to make—"

"Hey, you mean he took the last inches of _all _our coffee!" someone yelled angrily.

"Yeah! I really needed that!"

"Man, I was so tired too!"

"Damn that curly-haired supervisor!"

"ANYWAYS!" Johnny yelled. The noise stopped. "He went into his lab and a few hours later, there were these really big BANGS!" Lenalee jumped. "And BOOMS! And then we all went to his lab and the doorknob of his door slowly turned with this really loooong creak and the hinges squealed and—"

"Get on with it, Johnny!" people yelled.

"Well, anyways, the point is that the door opened and all this smoke came out and nearly suffocated us—"

"He must really be the devil, to have been able to stay in there without dying," someone muttered.

"—And Supervisor came out, holding this cup in his hand and he raised it into the air and he said, 'I've made it you guys! You are all saved! I have made the super-amazing, super-awesome _KOMUFEE!'_

"And then he grabbed the nearest person and shoved it into his hands and said, 'Drink it!'

"So, the person drank it and he said, 'tastes like coffee—'"

"What, it did!"

"—and then Komui brought out more cups of coffee and more people drank it and then they went totally crazy!"

"Eh?" Lenalee said.

"Like, they were laughing like maniacs and stuff! And they were about to take over the world!"

"Sounds like onii-san..." Lenalee sighed.

"Anyways!" Reever yelled, standing up. The lights came back on and he ran from the room. "I gotta go knock him out!"

"Punch him in the stomach for me!"

"Hit him in the head!"

"Punch his face in!"

"Break his limbs!"

"Be careful!" Lenalee called.

"This needs to be reported," muttered Link.

"Eh? Where'd you come from?!"

* * *

"Head Supervisor!" Reever yelled, slamming the door open. He ran to the chair and spun it around. Empty.

"Oh, crap!"

* * *

"Mmmmm…" Lavi smiled, rubbing something against his cheek.

He didn't want to wake up, get up, move, or do anything other than rub that silky stuff against his cheek. But, he felt rather cramped, squished between two warm objects. So, he sadly cracked open his eye and looked drowsily around.

"Hmmmm..."

He wrapped his hands around the silk-like strands of something, winding it in. It seemed to have no end, but then Lavi's hands were stopped by something round and hard. The something jerked.

"Oii…" a menacing voice snarled, "What the hell are you doing, damn it!"

"Oh! Er, Yuu-chan!" Lavi said, hastily unwrapping what was now Kanda's hair from around his hands. "You have uh, such nice hair, and uh…"

Lavi found the gleaming point of Mugen right in front of his eye.

"Where the hell are we, damn rabbit! And don't call me that!" Kanda spat.

"Er, I-I really don't know…?"

"Unnh…" came a voice beside him.

Lavi nearly jumped out of his skin. He found himself hugging Kanda who growled, "Damn you!" and shoved Lavi away.

"Unnh… Master, no… aaagh…"

"U-uh, Allen?" Lavi squeaked.

"Nooo… Unnhh… Master…"

"U-um, Allen, are you okay?" Strange thoughts started flitting through the minds of Lavi and Kanda.

"Nooo! Master, no! Unnh, MASTER!"

_What did Cross do to Allen?! _Lavi screamed in his head. A similar version of this sentence went through Kanda's, although with more cursing involved.

"No… -censored- euros… CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, MASTER!?!" Allen screamed, shooting up and banging his head against Lavi's.

"Yeowch!"

"Wha—Lavi?! Wh-where are we?" Allen groaned.

"Hehe, dunno. You okay, Allen?"

"Unnh… -censored- euros…"

"Whew, you really scared us- er I dunno about Yuu-chan—"

"KANDA, DAMNIT!"

"—but you gave me some straaaange ideas… I-I think I'm gonna barf…"

"I-I'm sorry, it's just that master left a debt of –censored- euros for me to…" Allen's voice trailed off into an incomprehensible mush of words.

"-Censored- euros?!" Kanda hissed. Then, "Not my problem."

"Aww, Yuu-chan! You're so hea-rtless..." Lavi stopped when he felt a death-like aura surrounding him.

"Call me that one more time and I swear I'll slice off your damn head.

* * *

"SUUUUUPERVISOOOR!" Reever yelled.

"ONII-SAN!" Lenalee's voice called.

The KOMUFEE infected supervisor was nowhere to be seen. Then...

"MUAHAHAHAHA! I, KOMUI LEE, WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD! WHAAAAHAHAHA!"

"Nii-san!" Lenalee screamed, running in Komui's direction. "Nii-san, stop!"

"Eh?" Komui turned around, wearing an evil grin. "What is it, my sweet LenalEEEEEEE!!"

Lenalee's black boots slammed into Komui's head, knocking him out.

"Go be ashamed of yourself for a while!" she said angrily, dragging him to his room.

Komurin-ex floated nervously by Lenalee as she threw him in his room, chained up the door, locked it from the outside, and threw the key as far away as she could.

* * *

"Damn it! What kind of fucking wall is this?!" Kanda roared, slamming Mugen fruitlessly against their prison.

Lavi's hammer and Allen's arm had both proved useless against the deepest, darkest, creepiest, dirtiest, nastiest chamber of the Order.

"HEEEEY! LET US OOOOUUT!"

* * *

Two days later, Komui woke up with a massive headache and Lenalee was forced to take care of him. In a corner of Komui's room crouched Krory, sobbing because he couldn't find Lavi or Allen. He didn't really care for Kanda.

However, when Komui was asked about the disappearance of the three exorcists, he claimed he couldn't remember a thing about what had happened. A few hours later, Marie heard a strange rumbling sound. He walked to the source of the noise, followed by Reever, Johnny, Lenalee, Krory, and Miranda. They went down to the lowest level of the Order's base, where the rumblings shook the very foundations. In the deepest, darkest, creepiest, dirtiest, nastiest chamber, they found three starving (the rumblings were Allen's stomach), thirsty, half-insane, angry exorcists, craving for the blood of a certain man.

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT CURLY-HAIRED BASTARD!!!"

~end~

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Please review!_

_Suggestions/ideas for some disastrous/crazy/retarded/funny/shocking/horrifying things that happen in the Order are welcome!_

_Sorry for grammar/spelling/OOCness!_

||| I don't own D . G r a y - M a n


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